Bravo Representative Looks Into the Future, Sees Pleather, Misogyny, and Fat Feet

We feel old this morning, possums. And it's not just the hangover from hell after playing the Matt Lorenz Drinking Game last night.

Well, maybe it is, because we have begun wondering whether, pace Michael Kors, bitchery isn't a young man's game.

We pondered this as we read the Assistant's Blog on Bravotv.com and discovered, in the timeless tradition of Bette Davis in All About Eve, that there is always someone younger and bitchier. And he nests like an asp in Bravo's bosom. Get a load of this:

"Everyone has an Achilles heel when it comes to members of the opposite sex. Women like Andrea vex me." [We suspect he's seen 300.]

"Oh, dear Carisa. What can I say? Every reality show needs a villain and she graciously stepped up to the plate this season. She's a classic archetype that exists in every group of friends, everywhere for all time. Once a summer, she'll paint her toenails fire engine red and go salsa dancing with her girlfriends. Her plump feet screaming to break free from their pleather straps. Her face will get flushed with each successive mojito and the volume of her voice will escalate as the night rolls on.

If she wins "Top Design," she'll do all of the quintessential slight taste of fame missteps. A geeky guy from high school will come up to her at a bar. As soon as he turns around, she'll roll her eyes and say, "Ew. Gross." She’ll talk loudly on her cell phone in public and make sure everyone is painfully aware of how stressful an interior designer’s life can be. “We needed those door frames five days ago. I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS!” Ugh, I can see it all too clearly. And her penchant for horizontal striped tops? Don't get me started. Can someone please talk to her about that?"

Ugh indeed. Or, as the kids say, Wow, just wow. (Or, as Miss XaXa put it, "Dayum, boy has issues.") Do you see what we mean, possums? Because we have no trouble calling Carisa a bitch, but we would never call her a fat bitch.

Oh, and maybe because of (in spite of?) his being half Puerto Rican, the Assistant's "mojito" and "salsa dancing" cracks about someone named Carisa Perez-Fuentes are just precious, adding a delicious soupcon of potentially self-hating racist condescension to the delicate blend of misogyny and disgust at the overweight. Neil LaBute would be proud. Freudians, start your engines!

Frankly, we can't imagine why he's no longer working as a lawyer.

Carisa DeVille Too "Close" for Comfort?

As always, trusty on-ship photographer Ensign Laz has obtained the photographic evidence of what previously we had only suspected. And using his telephoto lens he found the most shocking evidence of all: Carisa obtained the white part of her coiffure after scalping Carl the Carpenter!

Is Carisa a Bitch Who Kills Puppies While in Diet Coke-Fueled Rages?

We've heard a lot of things about Carisa Perez-Fuentes, but this was a first for us. And yet, that is what the Assistant implies on his blog -- well, except that it's more attempted murder than actual murder of puppies. See for yourselves:

Crazy moment #2 involved Carisa and a puppy. Our Production Coordinator [had] just bought a brand new "Puggle" puppy two weeks earlier. It's a mix between a pug and a beagle. [...]

Anyway, he was cute as hell and [...] lived in a cardboard box in the office with a blanket and a wee pad. He made the rounds, mostly suspended in thin air, and was loved by cast and crew alike.

Around 3:30 p.m. on elimination day, a horrible, puppy shriek filled the air. Something was wrong. Very wrong. I ran down the carpeted hallway of the PDC and saw Carisa, with her mouth wide open. She'd dropped the puppy the equivalent of ten dog stories and he was lying on the floor motionless. Luckily, he lived. Let's just say it wasn't the most endearing thing she'd ever done.

Truth be told, Carisa was already on thin ice with her handlers...and this didn't help. Right around episode 6, she'd started to display "diva like" behavior. Stories began to circulate about gruff demands for Diet Cokes (I NEED one like ASAP, ok!?) and other similar offenses....

Gruff demands for Diet Cokes? Well, perhaps she thought her demands for a Diet Coke wouldn't be taken seriously unless a puppy's life hung in the balance. But truthfully, we have a hard time getting worked up about this. And it's not just because we're cat people rather than dog people. It's more a function of our practical nature. Really, how are you supposed to make a coat out of puppies if you don't kill them first? Think about it. A coat of living puppies w0uld truly be a Cruella DeVille maneuver.

“Why Don’t You?” Wednesday

No doubt you will be disappointed, possums, that this is a Wednesday without a new and disappointing episode of Top Design. However, we are committed to not disappointing you, and so, as ever, we bring you our weekly helping of Diana Vreeland’s tips for decorating your home and ornamenting your life. Without further ado, Why Don’t You…

In your home:

* Use those low bamboo Legomatic folding beach chairs in little pairs around your drawing-room? They are easy to move about and divinely comfortable. Cover the rubberized cushions in green satin with crimson buttons. [This one’s for Carisa Perez-Fuentes.]

* Consider using the yellow of a zinnia and the purple of a petunia in your decoration? [This one’s for Michael Adams and Jonathan Adler.]

* Keep your telephone wires from curling and driving you wild by using telephone coils? (At H. Morgan, 2 West 46th Street.)

* Do your closet shelves in immaculate white organdie, pleated, with Lubin’s scented pink flannels wrapped around your things? [This one’s for Matt Lorenz; drink a shot of tequila.]

And to make up for the fact that there’s no new episode tonight, we’ll throw in a few more, non-décor suggestions. So, Why Don’t You…

* Wear black breitschwanz† mules with red heels?

* Help litter the beaches with these three colors—capucine, pine green, and black?

* Give the wife of your favorite band leader an entire jazz-band made of tiny baguette diamonds and cabochon emeralds, in the form of a bracelet from Marcus?

* Own, as does one extremely smart woman, twelve diamond roses of all sizes? Wear one as a buttonhole on a tailor-made. Wear five for a necklace around the top of your dress. Wear them all at once one night, in the hair, on your bag, up and down your dress.

* Go serenely out in the snow in a court jester’s hood of cherry red cotton velvet?

† Breitschwanz, according to the International Fur Trade Federation, is “the pelt of a still-born Karakul lamb, where the mother has aborted naturally as a result of the harsh weather conditions, natural illness or pregnancy difficulties. Broadtail pelts are extremely rare and only account for a very small percentage of overall Karakul production. The broadtail pelt is flatter, softer and silkier than the traditional curly young lamb pelt.”