Laura Bennett: I’m a Republican, and Jo de la Rosa’s Skin Looks Like Hell Under Those Harsh Lights

Laura, possum, you are a uniter. We find it wonderful that, whatever one’s differences of political opinion, we can all agree as a country about Jo de la Rosa’s skin. We have watched, rapt, as the Bravo cameras exposed every pebbly path of acne on her face. At times, we wondered if we weren’t watching the “before” section of a ProActiv infomercial. We think someone at Bravo secretly hates her, and is filled with self-loathing to the depths of their soul at having to work on such a show, a show that exhibits such utter contempt for its audience that, if there were any justice in the world or in America (sorry, didn’t mean to get all political again), it would make the viewers rise up and storm Bravo headquarters with pitchforks and torches and lay waste to it brick by brick.

Oh the Hughmanity! Week 4: “Unless You’ve Been in Drag and Heels in a Crowded Gay Bar, You Have No Right to Use the Q-Word”

08/08/08, the luckiest day of the year, possums, because Hughman’s claws are in Olympic form:

So this week on Project Runway,

WE INTERRUPT THIS POST TO BRING YOU THIS SPECIAL MESSAGE

Have you seen Million Dollar Listing? I assume you have because you’re a Bravoholic like I am. In the realm of wacky, fucked-up craziness, this show has it in spades. Barely legal, self-centered, greedy young boys hopped up on hormones.... boo-yah!


Why, you may ask, do I bring this up? Well it seems there are certain points which remind me of PR. Over-groomed, egotistic imp and 2005, Misfits, Peggy Moffitt hairdo (Chad Rogers on MDL). Uh... BLAYNE! Ambisexual, butch (relatively) sane one sporting Playgirl looks and non-threatening masculinity (Madison Hildebrand on MDL). Hello Keith! Dull, over-styled bore with spiked 2006 hair and three-day beard who hasn’t shown much talent - plus with his arresting art theft credentials and being BFFs with Jason Davis, the fat slacker brother of hated Brandon Davis - (Josh Flagg)? Jerell, perhaps the lamest gay black ever! Check, Queen(s), Mate!

It’s like some odd parallel universe. Cutting prices vs. cutting brown satin. Coincidence? I think not! Rather some cocktail-induced plot by Andy Cohen to ease us from one show to the other. For what it’s worth. I am SO THERE.

END OF MESSAGE


Anyhoo, so this week on Project Runway...

Obvs. the object of PR this season is to get us to just hate everyone. Sure, I was grossed out by Stella at first (as it seemed a lot of other people were). Worn hippies with one leathered look aren’t my favorite. Especially with that voice.

Yet now my disgust has expanded. Suede still has a level of conceit that is hard to stomach, not abetted by the whole calling himself by the third person thing. Blayne continues to whine endlessly about tanning or lack thereof. Tanning should be the least of his problems. Jerell has jumped on the Hate-Wagon due to his snarky comments and bad designs. To me, it’s like a hair stylist. Would I allow someone who dresses me to wear a Boogie Boy hat and jodhpurs? Ew. Finally “straight guy” Joe is just whiney and petulant.

”There are too many queens”. Uh, hello? “Queens” is to me like the n-word. Unless you’ve been in drag and heels in a crowded gay bar (which I have once), you have no right to use the Q-word. What did he expect? Fashion isn’t exactly an enclave of lumberjacks. Complaining about “queens” on a show like PR is frankly ignorant and stupid.

The winning designs were iffy. Joe showed a “skort,” which is the “brunch” of fashion, a word made up to bridge a gap between two meals that stand on their own. Even his skort was questionable, more like an apron over shorts - like a shorpron. Ehn. He was there as the best of the worst, not because it was so great. Terri’s design was a study in separates. The jacket was nice, I guess, but did anyone else notice the boobs popping out over her “corset” during the runway that were later covered up by that weird scarf?

Korto wins. Yay! I have to admit I’m all Team Korto so far. The story she shared about her background this episode was actually interesting and compelling, not some crazy-ass shit about her current dilemmas. The outfit was sleek and modern and could easily be adapted to male athletes as well. Good for her.

The losing outfits - what a fucking mess. Jerell’s result was freaky weird. That hat? It was like Mary Pickford on mushrooms. Throwing the Bluefly belt on the skirt was just wrong and stuck out like a sore thumb. Daniel’s dress was made for a stewardess on IHOP Airlines. Word to the wise for the designers (which comes a little late): STEP AWAY FROM THE SHINY SATIN! It shows all flaws, puckers and rarely lays right. His dress looked like a drag outfit for French sailors. So awkward and unsophisticated. Finally, poor Jennifer. I actually liked the skirt, although I thought the color choice was wrong. It was well made and fit kind of cute. The jacket, however, was crossed signals all over the place. One minute it was a bolero and the next it was a jeweled sweater your grandma would wear. It just looked heavy and not athletic or Summer Olympics in the least. I thought other outfits were worse, to be honest, but in the end she had to go.

Previews warn us of Daniel’s petulant breakdown. God forbid someone question him about his level of “taste”. Honey, taste ain’t like the SATs. Real designers get questioned about their taste every season and don’t go into melt down. Joe goes against Korto. OH NO YOU DI’NT! IF he wants to inflict his lameness against someone, I’d suggest Blayne, who’d crumble like a card house during Katrina.

Battles, people. Learn how to pick them.

“Top Design” Breaking News: See You Later, “See You Later, Decorator”

Hallelujah, Praise the Lady Bunny, and any other religious ejaculation you can think of. In the above clip, Raggaydy Andy Cohen announces that on the upcoming season of Top Design, we will no longer be hearing Jonathan Adler say, “See you later, decorator.” What the new send-off will be remains to be seen. We’re counting on you, Simon Doonan, to save the day.

"Top Design" Shocker: Raggaydy Andy "Dogged" by New Mexican Foot Fetishist!! Lifetime/Logo to Co-Produce TV Movie for Their "Gaymen in Peril" Series

Possums, our thoughts and prayers go out this morning to Bravo VP, blogger, boy reporter, and online salonnière Raggaydy Andy Cohen.

Ever since the success of "quirky New Mexican" dramedy Little Miss Sunshine, the denizens of the Land of Enchantment have felt liberated, perhaps entitled, to bring their quirks out into the open. Unfortunately, our Raggaydy Andy has now become a victim of this revolution. Read this excerpt from today's edition of his blog as he describes the horrors he is enduring, and for which our hearts go out to him:

Oh hey, remember last week when someone called from New Mexico asking Jonathan Adler and I to remove our socks? I thought it was so quaint and hilarious that someone from across the country would be able to impact two people to take off their socks. Well, it turns out we got a ton more emails from our NM buddy last night and he was, from my estimation, a little desperate for me to free my feet from my boots and show my ankles. No, I mean he was desperate to see my bare naked feet and ankles.

Mommy, why is the man from New Mexico so interested in my feetsies?

I actually am pleased that someone is interested in my dogs because I pretty much am not too into them. So, keep them cards and letters comin'!

Andy, possum, you seem understandably shaken. Perhaps you should get Chris What's-'is-name from Dateline NBC on the case. You can't be too careful with these New Mexico quirky pervs. They start out NM and end up SNM.

From Home Dec. to Homewreck: Can This Marriage Be Reupholstered?

First, a confession.

Sometimes, when we're all alone, and it's late at night, and singing along to Juliette Gréco's bump-and-grind version of “Mon Homme” has lost the power to chase off the sugarplum demons in our sooty soul, we throw on our Sulka dressing gown, make our way into the kitchen at Withering Depths, and there, back-lit by the open frigo door, we throw our heads back and, well, we... eat... whipped... cream... straight from the aerosol can.

It's shameful and frightful, but there it is. Still, as Diana Vreeland's father was wont to say as an answer to every crisis in life, “Worse things happen at sea.”

When it's Wednesday and the old existentialist crisis stirs up like a war wound from the siege of Mafeking, we do something that makes us feel just as good, but without any of the calories. We turn our suffering eyes to the rose-hued pages of the New York Observer and look for the week's vertiginously frivolous and addictive column by Simon Doonan, prince consort to Top Design's toothsome head judge, Jonathan Adler.

Unfortunately, this week's column brought no solace at all. Quite the contrary, in fact. Indeed, we rather worry that Top Design has claimed its first victim, the fairy tale marriage of mannequeen Doonan and mannikin Adler. But we'll let Simon tell you himself as he recounts what happened when, at the Winter Antiques Show opening soirée, he asked the wealthy and the weaselly for their opinions on what the Spanish (per Almodóvar’s Volver) so elegantly dub “telebasura” and we call reality television:

After these negative comments, the evening’s hostess, Margaret Russell, editor in chief of Elle Décor, was a beacon of fiery enthusiasm. “I started with Queer Eye—I just love reality television,” said she, lovely in simple black Lanvin and Prada.

In the interests of full disclosure, I should point out that La Russell’s excitement could have something to do with the fact that she herself has thrown her chapeau into the reality arena. Starting on Jan. 31, Margaret—“Peggy” to her pals—will star in Top Design, Bravo’s interior-design version of Top Chef. And—further disclosure—the fact that I am ranting on about it in this paper could have something to do with the fact that my Jonny, Jonathan Adler, is the lead judge on the same show. Yes, my Jonny has a major TV gig!

Entre nous, I’m actually starting to get a bit worried about my Jonny. Top Design has not even begun to air yet and he has already turned into a deranged spotlight-crazed Gloria Swanson–esque figure. The turning point was a recent West Coast Bravo press junket, where he hung out with his idols, The Real Housewives of Orange County— “They’re my new posse, now that I’m part of the Bravo family,” he bragged—and hasn’t shut up about it since. As his media star rises, mine, of course, is plummeting. If this show is a hit, I will end up in the Erich von Stroheim role, picking up his dry cleaning, chauffeuring him around and keeping my trap shut regarding my own former reality-show glories avec Tyra Banks on America’s Next Top Model.

If it so happens, possums, that Top Design is turning the Adler-Doonan ménage from a mariage "white-sale" to a mariage blanc, Raggaydy Andy Cohen of Bravo will have even more to answer for, and we will be forced to say, along with Jon Stewart, "Stop! You're hurting Gaymerica."