Breaking News: Husband of "Deeply Cynical Truth-Avoider" Jonathan Adler "Grab[s a] Ball-cock"

Oh come on, possums, cut us a little slack. We've been gone for a bit, and our other headline was going to be "Jon's Problems with the John," so we think that what we ended up with is really quite restrained by comparison.

And no, this is not another tale of marital dissolution in the ranks of Bravo reality-show judges.

Instead, from today's edition of The New York Observer comes news of what head judge Jonathan Adler has been up to, and it doesn't sound quite crappy. Apparently, Jonathan and his merry Mary mari, Mr. Simon Doonan, had a recent stay at the Canyon Ranch spa in Lenox, Massachusetts, a city once inhabited by Edith Wharton (we'd pay good money to read Simon's version of The House of Mirth). From Simon's column:

When the john in our suite started spontaneously gurgling and overflowing, I surprised my husband with my knowledge of plumbing. I sloshed through two inches of water, removed the back of the toilet, grabbed the ball-cock and saved the day.

Recalcitrant toilets aside, my Jonny and I had a lovely weekend at the legendary spa. Canyon Ranch remains a great winter getaway, not just for New Age truth- and wellness-seekers, but also for deeply cynical truth-avoiders like myself and my Jonny.

We wonder what truth Jonny is so desperate to avoid.

We've Heard of Idol "Worship," But This Is Ridiculous

Just the sort of talented doll every boy wants in his bedroom (and it has handles!). Is it any wonder, possums, why we get so many "Matt Lorenz gay" Google queries?

Pinky on the Brain

Thanks to the exclusive dispatches of our pals at Fishbowl LA, Andrea "Ally Sheedy" Keller is fast becoming the girl we would most like as our fruitfly. After all, a girl whose cri de coeur is, "Give me lumber," is a girl after our own hardwood coeur. And the way she ever so delicately and elegantly thumbnailed Matt Lorenz as "showing raised pinky and being particular," well, we couldn't have done it better. Andrea knits, and she may well give Madame DeFarge a run for her money. Well done, possum.

St. Tropez, Serge, and Sun

Well, it is Friday, and what with shirtless carpenters, topless designers, and Raggaydy Andy Cohen in the Virgin Islands for the weekend, we do seem to have a theme going, so here's another taste of St. Tropez. It's "Sea, sex, and sun," as performed by the dirtiest Frenchman ever, Serge Gainsbourg. Serge can currently be heard on television in his duet with Brigitte Bardot, "Bonnie and Clyde," which is the theme of a commercial for some massive SUV--the Escalade, we believe.

Serge is the father of Charlotte Gainsbourg (whose mother is Jane Birkin, as in the Birkin bag). In 1969, Serge and Jane scandalized an entire continent with their own duet, "Je t'aime, moi non plus," which was banned on the radio and condemned by the Vatican (we also include it below; as with "Sea, sex, and sun," it's better you don't know what the lyrics say.) Enjoy, possums, and imagine yourselves on Nikki Beach in St. Tropez.



And just for the hell of it, here's Charlotte Gainsbourg continuing the family tradition by doing a duet, in this case with Etienne Daho on a very witty song called, "If."

Pink Navy Weekend Movie Recommendation

Courtesy of Ensign Laz.

"It's Been Great Stuffing with You": An Architect, a Scientologist and a Homosexual Walk into a Cabana

It does sound like the set-up for a joke, but what do you know? The team of two non-bespectacled Wonder Twins and their younger (ga)Y-chromosome, in an Annie Leibovitz-worthy group portrait taken by our on-ship photographer Laz during their girls' weekend at the Viceroy (make that Vicereine!) Hotel, brought home the win. Congratulations to you, girls!

Because Hard Wood Has a Soft Core

We were going to object, "This is Santa Monica Beach, not Santa Monica Boulevard!" but the protest died on our parched, trembling lips.

Beauty Queens: Jean Genet "Wham!"-sy Leaves Pink Navy Speechless, Shirtless

Speech... center... im... im... immobilized. Cannot... form... sentences.

After a good slap from Miss XaXa, however, we were almost back to ourselves. Ofttimes we fault Bravo for obviousness, but sometimes, when they present you with the cover from Lumberjackin', or Hardwood 2, or Nailed!, it's really hard to object. What's a little pandering when it leaves you hankering?

Miss XaXa's sole rhetorical question: "What's that on his right bicep?"

Our final rhetorical question: Who's going to send this picture to Ted Haggard to test his sobriety?

“I am SO not gay, dude. Look, I said the word ‘sheetrock.’ And the word ‘dude.’ And no, that is NOT longing and whimsy in my eyes.”

So this is only their second date, and they already look and dress alike? What are they, lesbians?

“But We CAN’T Be Gay! One of Us Skateboards and the Other One is Married”