Monday, February 5, 2007

Pink Navy Super Bowl Report: God Is Gay, Punishes Chicago for John Gray's Comments

If yesterday is anything to go by, the Good Lord is trampling out the vintage where the champagne grapes of wrath are stored, and honestly, possums, we can't say we blame Her.

The 29-17 win by the Indianapolis Colts over the Chicago Bears in a Biblical downpour that was the first to fall on the Super Bowl--as Colts coach Tony Dungy put it, "Has it ever rained? Has it ever been this bad?"--ought to tell you everything. Of course, it could have been much worse, and, indeed, we've been expecting something awful since we saw the premiere episode of Top Design last week.

The moment Chicago-based contestant John "Huge Paint Chip on My Shoulder" Gray appeared on the screen, doing the lemon-sour grimace of Froggy Gone A-Courtin' and going on about how "queeny" the other male contestants were, how they were just a bunch of "girls," and how he is "not a campy designer," we cowered behind the settee. We were expecting the voice of James Earl Jones to come from the heavens, saying unto John, "Mary, puh-leeze," and sending a huge pink thunderbolt to smite him dead as the entire Pacific Design Center went up in a glittering fuchsia ball of flame.

"He's not actually pretending to be straight, is he?" asked Miss XaXa, genuinely puzzled, since every time he spoke to announce how queeny and campy everyone was, hairpins and sequins and bits of marabou dropped from his mouth. "Perhaps it's some sort of post-modern joke," we posited. "Surely no one would go on the gayest show on the gayest network about the gayest profession and say things like that unless they were gayer than Liberace's rhinestone jockstrap?"

Miss XaXa's voice became compassionate and understanding. "It can't have been easy for him, being gay and having a mug like that. You gay boys are terribly unforgiving about that sort of thing. No wonder he took to going to the gym. It's probably just 'roid rage and rejection from those uppity Halsted queens."

Alas, no pink thunderbolts were forthcoming. "Well, the Good Lord bideth Her time," we assured Miss XaXa.

That She did. After creating the Super Bowl with the gayest nomenclature in recent memory (Colts vs. Bears being essentially a battle between a gay porn production house and a burly, hirsute subspecies of the gay male to which one could colorably argue that John Gray himself belongs, and with Prince singing "Purple Rain" during the halftime show), the Good Lord finally struck back at John and his hometown team. We wonder whether John--no doubt sitting at home in a backwards baseball cap and with his legs open, watching the game with his buds and Buds--had any idea that after his team had missed going to the Super Bowl for umpteen years, it was he who was responsible for their loss. We sure hope you learn your lesson, John, or else next time the Good Lord, harking back to Lot's wife, might turn you into a pillar of crystal meth at a circuit party.