Dear Mr. President,
You may not know this about us, but we have done extensive reading of the great political writers, everyone from John Stuart Mill (On Liberty) to Sly and the Family Stone ("We Are Family"), and in that spirit, knowing that you worry greatly about "the axis of evil," we have a modest proposal for you.
Take a look at this photograph of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and tell us truly, Is this really the way to conduct diplomatic overtures? Don't get us wrong; the boots, the coat, all fabulous. Very East Berlin after dark; very "hard diplomacy." But Carine Roitfeld and the Kreuzberg S&M swingers can't be your only audience; you must also think of the people.
This is where we come in. Our proposal? Top Design host Todd Oldham for Special Ambassador to Iran.
Hear us out. Todd--a fellow Texan (well, as much a Texan as you, Mr. President) who is variously described as the "reincarnation of a 1940s housewife," "a hybrid of Peewee Herman, Howdy-Doody [ed.- Hmmmm]steeped in the broth of Schiaparelli," and "a self-taught Texas boy who's maintained his manners in the midst of big money and bigger egos"--would be the perfect person to resolve the diplomatic crisis with Iran.
For one thing, Todd has actually lived in Iran. As he recounts, "One day we were playing in the creek and my dad said, 'Do you want to go live in Iran?' And after we figured out what that was and where it was, we said, 'Sure.' And off we went." Todd lived there for "[f]our years as a kid. When the Shah was still around, and it was a very lovely, beautiful, inspiring experience, I still hold dear today. It's very much in my heart."
Now, it is our belief, Mr. President, that if Todd Oldham could be set loose on the Iranians, decorating black chadors with his trademark colorful geometric compositions (which, being non-representational, also have the virtue of being Koranically correct), the entire diplomatic crisis with Iran would be over. We include a photograph for your visualization needs.
To our way of thinking, when the Iranians feel like they're da bomb, they will no longer want the bomb. We think even Andrew Sullivan would agree with us.
Thank you for your attention to our proposal, Mr. President.
Very truly yours,
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Pink Navy Political Plea, Wherein We Ask the President to Mullah It Over and Change His Tune—to “M-, M-, M-, My Chadora”
Dear Mr. President,